


Four Diamonds Total Landscaping

by Fullmusicbard, ghostadventurespiritorb (LadyScientist)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Adventure Time References, Angst, Bill & Ted (Movies) References, Blood, Can You Call It A Near Death Experience If You Actually Died?, Character Death, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Comedy, Episode: s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gardening Tools As Weapons, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy References, Hunger Games References, Hurt/Comfort, I’d Kill Everyone In This Room And Then Myself, I’ve Only Had Pastel Corpse Stevonnie For A Day, Major Character Injury, Major Character Undeath, Mild Blood, References to Monty Python, Some Garden Appliances Are Kinda Scary, Steven Says Fuck, Temporary Character Death, White Diamond Gets Punched, White Diamond Says Fuck, White Diamond’s Psychic Powers Grant Her Pop Culture Skills Like None Other, You Can Blame A Joke My Mom Made, but if anything happened to them, his dark materials references, steven dies, vine references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29948862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fullmusicbard/pseuds/Fullmusicbard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyScientist/pseuds/ghostadventurespiritorb
Summary: Steven dies after an unfortunate incident involving a gardening appliance. White Diamond and Connie argue about pop culture. Some other weird stuff happens but I won’t spoil it.
Relationships: Bismuth & Lapis Lazuli & Peridot (Steven Universe), Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Blue Diamond's Pearl/Yellow Diamond's Pearl (Steven Universe), Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran & Pink Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran & White Diamond, Connie Maheswaran/Pink Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lars Barriga & Off Colors, Pink Steven Universe & Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe & White Diamond, Steven Universe & White Diamond
Comments: 9
Kudos: 6





	Four Diamonds Total Landscaping

**Author's Note:**

> [weed popper](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uG49I21Svw)
> 
> Backstory time: a couple days ago, my mom brought home a rusty old garden tool called a weed popper. I recommend watching the above linked video first, you can tell that it looks like a really weird torture device or something. One joke led to another joke led to a plotbunny, so I let Milk (fullmusicbard) know. We wrote this by taking turns writing a few sentences and... uh this is what happened. This is really really cursed, I hope you hate it!

Amethyst and Garnet threw Steven to White Diamond's feet. He tried to stand but was dizzy from hitting his head on the floor. That's when he saw White Pearl gliding forward holding what looked like some sort of gardening appliance. It was exceptionally long with some thing on the end, monochrome and emblazoned with a diamond at the top. White Pearl attempted to get it under Steven, then poke his sides, before apparently giving up and bonking the gardening tool against his gem. As far as Connie could tell, the tool in White Pearl's hands was either a Medieval torture device or a Weed-Popper™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™ from a Diamond Authority-sanctioned garden supply store. Or maybe both. She wasn't sure what was worse.

White Pearl was still repeatedly stabbing Steven with the Weed-Popper, before she began trying to lift up Steven’s gem with it. Being intended for removing organic lifeforms, specifically weeds, from gem colonies, and not removing a gem from a human being, it didn’t work very quickly. After about two minutes of Steven screaming and being held down by bleached Garnet and Amethyst, the prongs seemed to get in a good spot, the points dug in under his gem, and White Pearl jumped on the weed popper as if her mind-controlled life depended on it. 

An instant later, a noise not fitting the awful unfolding scene was heard, and a pink gemstone flew into the air, crimson liquid accompanying it. While Steven lay bleeding out where he lay on the floor, his gem rose in the air to form. Connie was still stuck with Pearl when Pink Steven touched down.

"Hey what the fuck" said Pink Steven in a tone comparable to the robotic voice that reads those Reddit videos. 

"You're asking me 'what the fuck'? What the fuck is _this_? Where is Pink?" yelled White Diamond. 

“She’s fucking gone. Why did you get me out with a weed popper.” Pink Steven was no longer the Reddit reads guy, instead his voice had opened to a new, more emotional level: Google Translate. 

“A WEED POPPER? THAT’S IT, STARLIGHT. I’ve put up with your nonsense for millenia, and this is where I draw the line! That is not JUST a weed popper. That is a Weed-Popper™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™, personally created and designed by ME. Now, where is Pink!” The matriarch of the diamonds now had a voice filled with an emotion comparable to that of an entitled CEO who was just told that their passion project was stupid and impractical. 

Pink Steven stepped towards Pearl. 

"Mmhmhmphthamssm," Connie said. Pearl’s hand was still over her mouth.

Pink Steven poked Pearl's nose. For whatever reason, the booping of the bird-mom's beak caused her to drop Connie. Connie, now on the cold marble floor, got up and dusted off her jacket. Connie, being familiar with the internet, had only one question to ask of Pink Steven, or at least, only one truly important question. 

“Why do you sound like Google Translate?” Pink Steven just stared blankly, before turning to the human Steven, guarded by a White Pearl armed with a clinical, bloodied weed popper. 

Human Steven's eyes were closed, a thin trickle of blood running from his mouth. Pink Steven turned to Connie and picked her up, hoisting her so she sat on his hands over his head. Then, he ran at White Pearl, trampling her to the ground despite her attempts to jab him with the Weed-Popper™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™. White Pearl lay on the ground, her limbs sprawled at odd angles. Pink Steven sat Connie down on her feet directly in front of him. They both turned to look down at human Steven. Connie, being sensible, poked the pearl sprawled out on the floor like she forgot what anatomy was, using her sword. Later when recounting this story, Connie would say she used her sword because of safety, but really Connie just didn’t want to touch White Pearl. 

“Uh, hey, Pink Steven. Pinkeven? Do you wanna go back to being a gem? Wait, that sounds weird. Wanna stop exploring your personhood and fuse with this human guy I’m friends with?” Pink Steven opened their mouth, letting the wonderful voice of Google Translate communicate their desires.

“Okay.”

Connie smiled in delight. Pink Steven reached a hand out to his body but drew it back. 

"After that phrasing– no, not really."

"You– you know he's gonna die, right?"

Pink Steven shrugged. 

"What's a day in the life of Steven without facing your mortality?" He turned away from his body. "Pretty sure he's dead already anyway. It's what comes with being stabbed with a gardening tool." 

Connie, regretfully, could not argue with that. She had heard gardening horror stories from her mother, far more than any sane being should be exposed to. If it weren’t for the corrupted gems, Connie would have rattled some off right there and watched White Diamond die. 

“Well, I suppose that is kinda valid, because you’re your own person. I’m just going to say goodbye.” Connie wished she had something of Steven’s, or something he’d personally given to her, for this impromptu funeral to be somewhat decent. All Connie had was her sword, which she couldn’t relinquish due to the possible threats of the possessed gems summoning other garden implements, and her jacket. The jacket would do.

Connie was surprised that no dramatic orchestral music began playing in the background as she arranged the jacket to hide the wound in Steven's stomach. From her experiences with movies, it seemed like these sorts of scenes always got the best soundtrack. She didn't even feel the urge to sing some old lullaby with significant emotional meaning! So in the awkward silence, with Pink Steven staring over her shoulder (awkwardly), she did her best. Yeah, this ceremony was not as dramatic and beautiful as a tragic fantasy death scene. He hadn't made a reference to Texan history like the balloon cowboy played by the Alexander Hamilton guy in the recent adaptation of the Spirit Morph Saga. She hadn't turned her friend's tragic death into the beginning of a revolution like the main character of the Starvation Sports series. This... wasn't working. 

But Connie knew it was terrible. It should have been beautifully tragic, the kind that sprouted shipping and aesthetic playlists, the kind that made legions of sad fans fix it. But instead, it just sucked really hard and made Connie feel bile rising in her throat. Just when tears were pricking at Connie’s eyes, she heard a small “ehem.”

“Hey this is embarrassing to watch. Maybe I’ll just re-fuse with him. He’s a corpse, it wouldn’t be hard.” 

"Oh, fun," said Connie, relieved. "Wait, would that even work?" she asked.

"Hm, maybe I should heal him first," said Pink Steven, his hand on his chin in a thoughtful pose.

"You could heal him all along and you never said anything?" shrieked Connie.

Pink Steven shrugged. "It didn't seem relevant."

“Stars, I wish I could argue with your logic. Wait, would he just become pink too, like Lion? Would I even be able to tell you apart?”

“I glow,” said Pink Steven, deadpan.

“These are desperate times, filled with character death and the traumatic sight of a weed popper. People ask dumb questions in silly times.” Connie was making that up. Above them, now sounding more like a jealous rich brat than a dictator, White Diamond was yelling, 

“PINK! Pink, you broke your pearl, AGAIN! And,” White’s ivory eyes peered at the weed popper, miniscule to her, “AH! You scratched my beautiful Weed-Popper™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™! I’m going to throw you in your tower so you can think about what you’ve done, for one million years!”  
Connie knew it was stupid to taunt the giant dictator, but she didn’t care. 

“Like Lemongrab?”

White Diamond squinted, first at Pink Steven, then at Connie. 

"ONE MILLION YEARS TOWER!" she said in an elegant impression of Lemongrab's voice. She dissolved into laughter immediately afterwards, wiping tears from her eyes. Her makeup inexplicably remained flawless. "Oh, what even is that lemon man? He's like a more obnoxious version of dear Yellow's pearl! If you hurry along to the tower now, I'll even let you take your pet, it's a funny one! You can have that other organic as well, it's not like it can do anything anymore!" 

Pink Steven had been deadpan all day. His voice had transformed from Reddit to Google Translate. But he had been pushed too far. White had pushed too far. Not by her offhand comment about human Steven, but by her insult of the great Earl of Lemongrab. With the power of his rage, Pink Steven’s voice became a menacing version of Steven’s, and he plainly said, 

**“Lemongrab is infinitely better as a ruler than you. Fuck your chicken strips.”** Pink Steven’s voice was quiet as before, but the sheer power in his words caused White’s podium to crack, her ridiculous pillar-shaped heels making her sway and flail. Connie, seeing a chance to make the dictator cry, took it.

“Yeah, fuck your chicken strips!” 

White Diamond sniffled like a kid bullied on the playground. She was a strong and perfect galactic tyrant and she was not about to burst into tears at an insult the organic before her hadn't even thought up! 

“PINK, PICK UP THAT ORGANIC CORPSE AND GO TO YOUR TOWER!” 

“What will happen if I don’t?” Pink Steven was still deadpan. 

White Diamond could feel herself feeling emotion. _No, no, this cannot happen to me! I’m perfect and cool and all the weird antagonists who aren’t human think I’m scary and awesome._

“I’LL RIP YOU IN TWO AND USE YOU TO MAKE A BLACK HOLE!”

“Gems can do that?” Connie asked, shocked at this violation of common sense. She blinked. “That's not even how it works in the Spirit Morph saga! And if you could do that, then wouldn't it have happened when you had White Pearl pull out his gem?" Connie said. White Diamond had no reply, frantically thinking of something else to reference.

“I’ll throw you both into space, and you’ll eventually go mad and stop thinking! Unless, of course, Pink is a good gem and takes her stupid toys into her tower.”

Pink Steven and Connie stared at each other, each reviewing the shows they had watched, books they had read, and stuff they had heard about in passing. 

The two then said in sync, “That’s not even a reference. Anything that had THAT as a plot point would be really stupid.” The gem and human picked up the Steven corpse, and due to their mutual anger at White Diamond’s stupid threat, all fused, to a pastel pink version of Stevonnie. They looked down at themselves, in confusion at their existence. 

“Ew, I’m one-third corpse... Anyway, White Diamond, that’s not even a good threat, it’s too ridiculous!” 

White Diamond had had a bit of time to think of threats during this time, but the fusion's sudden appearance disgusted her to the point that her ideas became scrambled. It took her a moment to sort them back out.

"I- I'll read you poetry! I'll set a dragon- wait, that's not specific enough- Blue, just take her to the tower!" she said unnecessarily as the aforementioned was currently under her control. Said Blue picked up Pastel Corpse Stevonnie by their ponytail, causing them to squirm. Blue then went faster than possible, throwing P. C. Stevonnie into the tower with all the aim of a dictator, which is to say, none. White was now free from their brutal insults that most certainly did not affect her, but she called Blue back and slammed the door, determined to never see them again. She would make good on her Lemongrab impersonation. 

P.C. Stevonnie, seeing no reason to continue existing, unfused, leaving only a dead Steven, a gem Steven, and Connie. 

“You know Pinkeven, I’ve just had a realization. All we are is dust in the wind, dude.”

“You’re quoting Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” pointed out Pink Steven.

“Yep. It’s a masterpiece of our time!”

“That’s true.” Pink Steven, realizing that they should have another voice in this conversation, began trying to cry on Steven’s corpse. 

The tears vanished as Steven's gray skin started to glow pink. Connie held her breath as the glow spread across his body, at first a lively flush appearing to return to his face before the light faded, revealing him to be the same hue of pink as Lion and Lars. His chest began to rise and fall slightly as he breathed in the stale air of the tower. Steven's face remained as expressionless as it had been when he was dead, his mouth ever-so-slightly agape. He did not regain consciousness, and Connie realized why when she lifted his shirt to check on the wound there. It hadn't healed when his gem had brought him back to life, so Pink Steven licked his hand and touched the injury. It vanished with a showering of sparkles. As he began to wake up, Connie laid down at his side and whispered in his ear.

"We're _so_ getting you a tetanus shot when we get home."

“Thanks,” Steven said weakly. “Is that me? Have I been replaced?” Pink Steven vaguely waved, answering none of Steven’s questions about his hopefully not-evil doppelganger. 

Connie hugged him, head resting on his left shoulder, and Pink Steven did the same on his right, except Pink Steven whispered, “Yes. I am your replacement. Deal with it.” 

“Aw man. So guys,” (though Steven was always down for hugs, he needed _some_ personal space, leading to him wriggling out of the two’s grips,) “uh, I remember White Pearl and a weed popper, but what happened then? And why are we back in the tower?”

Connie and Pink Steven shared a look, then began explaining all the insults and bullying that resulted in this situation. Aside from a brief “Ah, that explains the blood,” Steven took it exceptionally well. 

Though on the inside he was screaming and repressing his emotions. 

“I think Ronaldo talked about something similar to White’s reference on his blog, but I kinda stopped reading it after he kidnapped me, so I can’t remember.” 

“Oh, I thought she was talking about when we were stuck in a bubble with Eyeball,” said Pink Steven.

“That’s not a pop culture reference though! Besides, how would she know?” Steven’s logic was very hard to argue with. 

“What, you think she’s just _seen_ all the stuff we’ve been referencing? Nah, she’s definitely getting those references from us,” said Pink Steven.

“Well, Yellow and Blue mentioned she hasn’t left her ship in thousands of years, maybe she’s been watching everything in existence!” Steven and Pink Steven began arguing about White’s methods for understanding references, with choices ranging from godhood to TV Tropes, when Connie suddenly had a breakthrough. 

“Steven, you said the thing similar to White’s reference was on Ronaldo’s blog, right? Maybe she’s getting all the references from _RONALDO!_ I mean, his blog’s really weird, she’s really weird, maybe she likes it!” 

"Have you _seen_ how she acts? There's no way she'd _touch_ that blog," said Steven.

Pink Steven plopped himself in the sunlight. “I’m going to sleep. I’m also going to possess Ronaldo. Then I’ll read his followers. Then I’ll embarrass him. Goodnight Connie. Goodnight human me.” Pink Steven created a larger, more elaborate version of Steven’s shield, then used it as a pillow. “Goodnight me.”

"Wait, shouldn't you guys fuse back?" asked Connie. Pink Steven didn't hear her; he was already asleep. She looked down. Human Steven was sleeping with his head in her lap, snoring like a kitten. Connie patted his head. “Aw, he even feels like a kitten. Wait, that’s weird.” Connie also fell for the temptation of sleep. A fatal mistake. For you see, if all three members of a prisoner party fall asleep, all three will be rudely awakened by the combined cacophony of a leaf blower and a lawnmower.

“GET UP LOSERS. White Diamond wants to see you.” 

“She wants to talk about some gems she found, please hurry.”

The three friends were awoken by two pearls, one lemon-yellow with large shoulderpads and a leaf blower aimed like a gun at Pink Steven, the other powder-blue with a billowing skirt and a lawnmower. Both garden tools were emblazoned by white diamonds, showing they too were official Diamond Authority products. 

"Hey, hey, don't point that leaf blower at him," said Connie, waving her arms. 

Grinning, Yellow Pearl turned on the leaf blower. She braced herself for some weird sci-fi laser gun disguised as a garden appliance. She was met by a blast of warm, gasoline-scented air and what felt like little more than an uncomfortably strong wind in her face. She ducked out of the breeze and Yellow Pearl lowered the leaf blower. Blue Pearl revved the lawnmower. 

“I don’t want to use this lawnmower, but if you don’t meet White Diamond, I’m afraid I must.” Yellow Pearl, disarmed of her leaf blower, hid behind Blue.

“You tell them, doll!”

Pink Steven, who previously was not threatened by any of this, raised an eyebrow. 

“Okay. We’ll go to White Diamond.”

Connie and Steven, both bewildered, pulled Pink Steven into a corner.

“Are you nuts?”

“We could say she reads Ronaldo’s blog!”

“Hurry up over there!”

The three, hoping to avoid the lawnmower, reluctantly followed the two pearls, and Pink Steven contemplated fusing with human Steven, mostly for kicks. 

Once outside the base of the tower, a large white sphere engulfed the group. When it popped, the Stevens and Connie were thrown to the ground by the force while the Pearls stood above with their weapons. Steven was helped to his feet by Pink Steven, since his legs were still unsteady and he was lightheaded from blood loss. White Diamond leaned down, Connie stepping in front of Steven. White Diamond opened her hand, revealing what she held. Within a whitish bubble were Peridot, Bismuth, and Lapis, clamouring and banging on the sides to be let out.

“White, please let them out! They didn’t do anything wrong!” Steven’s cry echoed among the pillars of White’s ship, and her laughter pierced his soul.

“Didn’t do anything? Why, they called me a nailhead, and that bismuth said my BEAUTIFUL Weed-Popper™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™ was poorly designed! In fact, dear Pink,” White’s bubble popped, and her nails formed a cage around the remaining non-possessed gems, “ _I’d_ even say it’s a reason for execution!” 

"No, please, can't even you see that that's a little extreme? Why not me instead?" Steven cried. Pink Steven tugged at his shirt sleeve. 

"Dude, she already killed you."

“Besides Pink, what kind of intergalactic dictator would I be if I didn’t try to kill your allies for reasons!”

Steven looked down, softly saying, “The kind who would be redeemed after crying because they were called childish?” right as Connie said, “A really childish and manipulating one?” 

“CHILDISH? DO I _LOOK_ CHILDISH TO YOU! Pink!! Take away your _awful_ little pet! You’re such a pain!” White Diamond snapped her fingers, and two opaque bubbles appeared in front of Connie and the Stevens. The bubbles disappeared, revealing two terrifying twin figures. One was White Pearl, with her Weed-Popper™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™, but the other was _Pearl._ Her jacket was now longer, more military-esque than casual, and she wielded a terrifying weapon. It was even larger than the Weed-Popper, gleaming silver, with white diamonds emblazoning it in multiple places. 

It was the famed Weed Wacker D-1™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™, and it would destroy any piece of plant life it touched. 

Steven blanched at the sight of the weed-popper, its tips still stained with his blood. Pearl pressed a button on the weedwacker and the plastic bit on the end started spinning around, centrifugal force making it fling about like a helicopter blade. Connie pointed her sword at Pearl, keeping it between her and the weedwacker.

Defying all laws of physics and weed wackers, it was not immediately destroyed, instead glinting when it collided with Connie’s sword. Bismuth, though barely able to see in White’s nail-prison, made a gasp at the Weed Wacker’s craftsmanship. 

“When this is over and the Diamond Authority is overthrown, I’m going to study that weed wacker.” If it weren’t for the imprisonment, Bismuth would have leapt out and fought Pearl herself. Beside her, Peridot also gasped, but for a very different reason.

“That’s the Weed Wacker D-1 ™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™! It’s the strongest Weed Wacker in the galaxy! I’ve heard that White Diamond made it out of a dying planet’s core, and the plastic bit is reinforced by the shards of rebellious shattered quartzes! That clod Pearl.. I may not have always agreed with her, but she excels in combat, and with such a formidable weapon, they might not have a chance!” For neither the first nor the last time since she joined the Crystal Gems, Peridot wished she had her limb enhancers.

“Can you two please focus???” Lapis’s plea for sanity went unheard, both by her fellow prisoners and the universe at large. Peridot and Bismuth continued arguing about the physical capabilities of the weedwacker, while Lapis dramatically sighed and facepalmed.

Steven shoved his way in front of Connie. "Let them go!" he said in a voice so similar to the first time around. Really looking at him for the first time, White Diamond blinked. 

"You're that gross little organic bit, aren't you? My, you look the spitting image of my Starlight!"

“I’m not Pink Diamond, okay! I’m not even Rose! Look, look at him!” Steven pointed at Pink Steven, currently being menaced by a weed popper, with all the confidence of an attorney with a flawless defence. 

“Stop acting like a zircon, Starlight. You’re _awful_ at it. Besides, that doesn’t prove anything!” In actuality, White Diamond didn’t have a reply, and willed White Pearl to use her Weed-Popper ™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™ harder and break Pink Steven’s shield. 

"LOOK!" Steven yelled, pulling up his shirt. "I don't even have a gem right now! Because, you know, you made your pearl dig it out with a fucking weed popper???" He glanced to the side, where said pearl was attempting to stab said gem with said weed-popper. The end just kept passing through his light without any damage. If they were able to speak while possessed, they would be screeching with rage. Pink Steven, apparently tired of fighting, casually hit White Pearl on the head, leading her to collapse, defying all laws of gemkind. Pink Steven then walked over beside Steven, and vaguely waved at White. 

White Diamond looked at White Pearl, who had fallen to the ground again, then glared at Pink Steven. 

"Stop doing that, won't you, Starlight? You'll break your pearl again!"

Connie elbowed Steven. "Come on, you can fuse back now!"

“Okay. Me, would you like to be a whole person again?”

“Uh, sure, I’d like that!” The dual Stevens, one lighter pink than the other, began to badly dance. It wasn’t an elegant embrace and twirl, it was indescribable. White Diamond’s eyes hurt just looking at it, and only her willpower kept her titanium makeup on and undestroyed. Connie was ready to burst into tears of laughter at the sight. The Stevens were still horribly dancing, only now starting to flicker, and White lost control. The sheer embarrassment and lameness of the dance caused the fearsome intergalactic dictator to blush vibrant pink, which spread to all of her puppets.

As Steven found himself as one person again, he saw the now un-possessed gems standing up. White Diamond, in her shock at his horrible dance skills, had apparently also dropped Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis, who were helping the other gems out. Pearl, shocked to be wearing a military jacket and wielding a Weed Wacker D-1 ™®™®®™®™®™™™®™®™™, immediately broke the Weed Wacker over her knee.

“A WEED WACKER? Ugh, I hate Weed Wackers.” Bismuth ran up and embraced Pearl, crying with joy at seeing her normal at last. 

“Pearl, I love you, but did you have to break the weed wacker? I have to try and recreate it now! Eh, never mind.” 

Above everyone, White Diamond was throwing a tantrum like a CEO who had just been beaten up by the workers they were oppressing.

“HEY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL! Pink, stop disobeying me!” As White continued her tirade, a small voice coughed.

It was White Pearl, no longer white, but flowery shades of pink. 

“White Diamond, you possessed me for thousands of years. I quit.” Pink Pearl tucked her weed-popper into her belly gem. “Fuck your chicken strips.” Pink Pearl held up two of her fingers, in a sideways V, then disappeared. 

Okay, she didn't disappear per se, rather vanishing through the floor in a bubble. That left just the diamonds and the crystal gems. 

"ssSstTTeeEEEEVEeN!" screeched Pearl as she sprinted to hold him.

All of the crystal gems patiently waited by Pearl for their chance to hug Steven, while Yellow and Blue Diamond were staring at White like they were trying to shoot eye lasers of their own. All the crystal gems and Connie glowed, and became Obsidian, who used their eight arms to T-Pose. The voices of all of Obsidian’s components mixed together, and said,

**“Your garden tools are awful. You’re a bitca, White Diamond.”**

Obsidian proceeded to punch White Diamond in the stomach with all of their arms. "OOF," said White Diamond. She fell over. Yellow Diamond made a hand gesture, summoning her ship, while Blue did something similar.

“Steven, summon your ship before White Diamond recovers from the dancing!”

One leg ship summoning and unfusing later, all of the gems were inside what was once Pink Diamond’s ship, a horrified White paralysed on the floor due to being punched in the stomach. 

"Wait, don't we need White Diamond to heal the corrupted gems?"

"We can come back for her."

"Or not."

"What?"

"Dude, don't you remember that she killed you?"

"I mean, I remember that I died, but I don't remember dying. Besides, most of the gems in this ship have tried to kill me too."

Connie couldn't argue with that.

"Peridot kidnapped me, Lapis almost drowned me, Bismuth tried to shatter me, Yellow Diamond stepped on me so hard I astral projected out of there, and both diamonds had me on trial to be executed. I can totally vibe with White Diamond if we bring her with us."

Somewhere, in a bubble, Jasper vibrated, pissed off she wasn’t included in this trauma listing. Blue and Yellow sighed in unison, like two rich kids who had to pick up their drunk mom. They went outside and dragged White in by holding her weird star hair. 

“Hey, I thought stars were the symbol of the Rebellion! Why does White have a star motif?” 

The awkward silence that ensued tempted Steven to drop the question, leading him to start jogging on the platform. 

5 hours later, a large pair of hot pink legs landed on the beach, plopped down tiredly, for a ship, in the sand. The door that opened revealed a dead-tired Steven being bridal-carried by Connie, the crystal gems, and Yellow and Blue, holding White by her cape. The effect was similar to a monochrome umbrella. 

A concert was occurring further along the beach. Steven was lucky that he hadn't stepped on the crowd. The landing had awkwardly interrupted the show. Greg ran out of the crowd to where Connie was holding a pastel pink Steven. Just before the gems could explain why he was pink and not walking on his own, another spaceship burst through the clouds.

“You befriended an emerald?” Yellow Diamond’s question was proven useless, as the eccentric crew that emerged was made of gay couples, off-color gems, and a pink boy who died that one time, no emeralds in sight. Beside the bamboozled Yellow, Blue gasped in shock.

“Yellow, look! It’s that human from the trial, the one that sat around and talked annoyingly!” 

Rhodonite, on seeing the two, froze, before seeing White Diamond, and entered a state of fear never achieved before or since.

“Oh stars. Oh stars, we’re so cracked.” 

Padparadscha, seemingly oblivious, merely chirped, “I predict that we shall find the Diamonds waiting for us on arrival! Hooray!” 

Steven, attempting to calm the situation, fell out of Connie’s arms and pulled Lars into a hug, then declaring, “Lars, it’s okay! The Diamonds aren’t really our _friends,_ but we’re working with them now.” Lars, unused to being hugged after a while in space and having gained character development while there, didn’t mind being squeezed a bit. 

“Oh, Steven, you're okay! Padparadscha said something about gardening tools and that you were _dead(??)_ and I was so worried!” 

“Yeah, about that,” said Steven, gesturing at his now-pink skin.

“Oh.” Lars scratched his head. “But you’re okay now?”

“Uh, yeah, guess I healed myself?”

Greg wasn’t having any of this. “Wait, you _died?_ What the heck? What happened? Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Hmm? Yeah dad! I just got attacked with a Weed-Popper, died, woke up next to a full gem version of me, fused with them after a while, and then we came back here! I’m fine.” Steven was repressing his trauma like he never had before. “Now c’mon, we’re going to save the corrupted gems!” 

**Author's Note:**

> Milk's notes: drugs are cool, they help you write crack, and pomegranate seeds are the best drugs of all
> 
> Lore's notes: milk doesn't do drugs, we just like writing weird fics


End file.
